Hi all! A very very lagged entry. Sorry to my dear friends for my disappearing act this past month, I had been traveling into Malaysia (and I am currently in JB) for most part of the week. Hope everyone's good back home.
I had alot of thoughts floating around in my head for the past two nights, and I decided to verbalize it here. Umm.. I am going to write my New Year resolution today! (very lagged)
This year, my resolution's gonna be a little different. Instead of seeking physical goals, I will be basing my resolutions on the achievement of spiritual and character building goals.
(1) Grow close to God, my friend, Father, Master and King. --> A growth in faith, hope and love.
(2) Let my happiness be not based on hormones or what people do and say, but because of having the joy of the Holy Spirit living in me.
(3) Continue my spiritual walk with God each night, as growing close to Him, pleasing Him and serving Him is meaning of my life.
(4) Allow me to work hard at school, to be a shining example of God's blessing and grace.
(5) Let me bitch less, and evangelise more.
(6) Strengthen my character, so I do not succumb to the will of Man, but rise to live according to the will of God.
(7) Control my temper, and my tongue.
(8) Save more money, to become a Kingdom builder oneday.
(9) Join a church and serve the body of the church in any way possible.
(10) Hopefully go on at least one mission trip by the end of the year.
(11) Let me not judge other Christians but learn from the faithful.
I have been reading God's word consistently for the past few months, but somehow I feel a lack of absolute faith and certainty of my salvation, and of my love and dependance on Christ. Many a times as I sit reading Rick Warren's
" Purpose Driven Life" with Ber, my heart is filled with confusion and at times ridicule at the Christian faith, and Ber's devotion.
It felt like my heart was hardened by God and I was so irrationally angry at God, that I was ready to live a God-less life like before, and even go to Hell for it.
But Ber who is strong in faith pulled me back from the pits of fire and lies fed by Satan, and he was my walking companion in my search for God.
I used to pray not having any desire to talk to this 'higher being', neither did I want to read His word - the Bible. However, night after night, I religiously sat down with Ber to do quiet time. My mind was on it, but sometimes my heart was troubled.
Who is this God? Why doesnt he have a form and shape, so I may worship him? How am I supposed to pray with faith and conviction when I cannot imagine his face or the beginning and end of his body?
How is He a God of love if He allow humans to be born, carry the sins from Adam and Eve, and risk going to Hell?
I was filled with so much anger, even though my mind was certain that the Bible is the Truth.
My prayer with God had always been very simple, my prayer item consisted of only three things, (1) God please increase my faith. (2) Let me find ways to serve you Lord, let me do your will. (3) Help me to evangelise your word to my friends and family as the opportunity arises.
Four days ago, I realized that my life was so comfortable, so perfect, that I forget to depend on God. So I prayed for God to bring problems, issues anything negative into my life. Let me feel God's gracious comfort and love through my suffering.
On 22nd Jan, Ber's 21st birthday, I walked into the Chapel with Ber at his request. In the Sanctuary, I finally felt God's presence in the church. I prayed for these three things again. But mostly for faith.
The faithful Lord answered my prayer, by placing problems ahead of me.
I was angry with Ber for some things he had said and done. He in turn got angry with me. As we both sat in silence, fuming in the back seat of his mother's car, God's words struck me, "love thy neighbour as thyself". "watch thy tongue".
An enormous wave of regret washed over me, and I realized I had caved in to the temptation of anger. I confessed to the Lord for my sin, and asked for forgiveness. Immediately, I felt a light touch of comfort, and I was filled with joy, for I have been forgiven!
Unlike my old self, this new, born again, child of God, became disinterested in the argument of Right and Wrong. I no longer pursued the artificial victories by cornering Bernard to realize he was in the wrong. May he be right or wrong, I should be filled with love (patience, joy, kindness, humbleness).
Despite the argument, I drew strength from God's unfailing love, and joyfully passed on the love and forgiveness.
As couples know, when the heat of the argument has not yet dissipated, it is very hard to apologise humbly. I always found it extremely difficult, and even when I did apologise, I did it with the intention of using reverse psychology on him, to make him apologize too.
But who cares about trivial matters, when God has extinguished my anger and replaced it with generous love?
The point of my story above is not to glorify my 'big heartedness'. Because honestly my friends, I am not big hearted at all. I am very sensitive about all the small things, and it was only with the mighty strength of God that I am able to forgive and forget small retarded matters like that.
The point of my story is to celebrate this great joy I feel in my heart. It is to give the glory back to God! This feeling of thankfulness I am brimming with, because God has been so faithfull. He listens to our prayers even when we had doubt in our hearts. He guides me, and watches over me, He gives me strength to be a better person. Strength and determination that I cannot muster from within myself. He helps me fulfill the resolutions I set for myself, resolutions I have failed to achieve year after year.
Suddenly I feel so much hope. Because all the things deemed impossible to change before, seem so possible.
It is of immense comfort knowing that our Father Almighty forgives us for our sins once we confess, because Jesus Christ had already cleansed us of our sins before we were born and did a single bad thing!!
All we have to do is believe, and seek, and we are promised to receive! Not necessarily material wealth or physical health, but who need those things, when I can receive an eternal gift of heavenly life!
Dear friends, this is such excellent news, and my heart is bursting to share all that I feel and know with everyone one of you!!
posted by bob of sunshine* 9:27 AM
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